Twelve Angry Roses
by Facades
Summary: Kukai gives Utau twelve roses, eleven of them real, one of them fake, and promised to love her until the last one dies. Then they all caught on fire and Ikuto sings showtunes while Curious George ruins his childhood. Crack-y oneshot.


_Twelve Angry Roses_

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><p><strong>AN:** I wrote this at two o'clock at night while being aggravated by the stupid FaceBook like about the immortal fake rose. It's crack, and not meant to be taken seriously, so the characters will be OOC.

Oh, and I don't own Curious George, MTV, Smokey Bear, or the song "Take Me or Leave Me" from "RENT." I do own Tom Felton however.

Also this wonderful piece of work was beta'd by **En ar Ciel**, who is pretty awesome for being able to deal with me and my craziness.

If there are any mistakes or if it sucks a lot… It's all her fault. :P

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><p>"Here are twelve roses," Kukai Souma said as he handed the love of his life, Utau Hoshina, a bouquet of elegant red roses. "I will love you until the last one dies."<p>

Utau's face turned into a deep crimson that rivaled the roses' bright red color. She smiled bashfully at her boyfriend and buried her face in the flowers, engulfing herself in their sweet perfume. Then, she noticed something odd. "But, Kukai… Only eleven of the roses are real. One of them is fake."

Kukai smiled shyly yet still looked incredibly roguish and hot while doing so. He gazed upon Utau with a look of pure, true love. "Like I said, I will love you until all twelve of them die."

"Oh Kukai!" Utau's heart thumped wildly as she embraced her boyfriend, her true love, her soul mate…

Utau didn't even notice that her brother was watching the couple from afar, trying to pick up some pointers in case he ever needed to woo a certain twelve-year-old.

Ikuto frowned, wondering how some middle school kid managed to get a girlfriend before he did. Feeling his pride and dignity relinquish bit by bit, Ikuto took a cigarette out and lit it. He was such a bad-ass, and knew that smoking only made him look even sexier aside from giving him that bad-boy edge. Sure, he never actually smoked before; he would just bring the cigarette to his lips and pretend to take a drag. He didn't want to kiss Amu on the lips for the first time and have his breath smell or taste like shit, after all.

As if on cue, Amu appeared out of no where and cheerfully greeted the older teen, making him jump up in surprise. Amu's smile soon disappeared when her nose caught a whiff of something unpleasant. "Is that smoke?" she asked him, not noticing the cigarette that Ikuto had nervously hidden behind his back. Being the super heroine that she is, Amu was sure to scold him for being anywhere near drugs, never to speak to him again. "Is something on fire?"

"Um… Look!" Ikuto pointed behind Amu and then threw the lit cigarette behind his back, ignoring Smokey the Bear's warnings. "That monkey is doing something crazy and distracting!"

Amu turned around to take a good look at the monkey, who was sitting there, minding his own business as he was trying to write a children's book about the time he met his best friend, a man in a yellow hat.

Amu frowned and gave Ikuto a strange look. "No he's not. He's just being a monkey and doing monkey things."

The monkey being mentioned was called Curious George. He angrily glared at Amu the best way a monkey could. "I'm _not_ a monkey; I don't have a tail. Monkeys have tails, therefore, I'm not a monkey."

Ikuto's mouth hung open in shock at this sudden plot twist. "You mean my entire childhood has been one giant lie?"

Before Amu or Curious George could reply, Utau started shrieking as if she was in the Shrieking Shack. The lit cigarette that Ikuto had tossed aside somehow managed to fly into Utau's bouquet of roses. Flowers are flammable, as any first grader knows, and pretty soon the incredibly romantic and out of character gesture her boyfriend had given her went up in flames. Utau continued to screech dramatically as if she was in a bad psychological thriller while her boyfriend started smashing the flambéed flowers with a pogo stick in an attempt to put the fire out.

Ikuto stopped acting like an over-dramatic toddler to take a minute and comprehend all the things that were going on all at once. "Wait a minute. That's impossible," he said, gesturing towards the fire. "The cigarette I had was lit, yeah, but I never actually _smoked_ from it! In order to actually_ light_ the cigarette, you have to inhale while holding the lighter at the tip. If you just hold a lighter to a cigarette it won't light; it'll sputter, burn a bit of the tobacco and go out. You have to inhale and light at the same time, otherwise-"*

"Wait a minute," Amu said, interrupting Ikuto's monologue and preventing him from pointing out the obvious plot hole. "You _smoke_?" Ikuto, realizing that his secret was let out, tried to come up with a good excuse while Amu started fuming. "I can't believe I liked a stoner! Do you know what'll happen to my reputation as a Shoujo Manga Heroine? Ugh, the other girls are never going to let me live this down."

"Well I'm still emotionally damaged by all the things that happened in my life," Ikuto said, obviously referencing to the whole monkey fiasco. "I'm sorry Amu, but this is me! This is who I am!"

To everyone's surprise, Ikuto took off his usual "mysterious brooding loner" type of clothes and unveiled the most snazzy pantsuit the world has ever seen. It was white and sparkly and even Edward Cullen was dazzled.

Meanwhile, one of Utau's pigtails caught on fire as well, and she started screaming even louder than before, but Ikuto's sparkly Elvis suit was just so mesmerizing that everyone ignored her and continued to stare at her brother.

The spotlight went on and Ikuto grabbed the mike that appeared from absolutely no where. He gave a sexy wink towards Amu, who was just standing there utterly confused and wondering what was happening. Ikuto spoke into the mike, saying "This is for you, Amu," and started to the thing he was born to do:

Sing show tunes.

"_So be kind, and don't lose your miiind. Just remember that I'm your baaaby!_"

"My girlfriend is on fire!" Kukai screamed, attempting to get the readers' attention back to the main plot and failing since Ikuto was just so mesmerizing.

"_Take me for what I aaam, who I was meant to beee. Aaand if you give a damn, take me baby or leeeave me!_"

"I am a better writer than the author who's giving me all my dialogue," Curious George said, redirecting everyones' attention.

"_Ah!_ Ape!" Ikuto dropped his microphone to the ground and ran off the stage in the middle of his musical number. He eventually found a dark corner to sulk in and curled up on the floor in the fetal position remembering of happier times were chimpanzees and monkeys were the same thing.

The readers frowned at their computer screen. "Wait, what. This story doesn't make any sense! What the heck is going on?"

Here's what was going on: Ikuto was sobbing over his traumatizing revelation. Amu, like always, had no idea what was happening and was staring off into space wondering why the heck she was stuck in such a terrible crack-fic. Curious George was shaking his head at the incompetence of humans and decided to go film a movie about a bunch a bunch of primates that take over the world (Starring Academy Award nominee James Franco and MTV Movie Award winner for Best Villain, Tom Felton, in theatres this August). Utau continued shrieking like a crazy banshee with its hair on fire, and this went on for so long that even Moaning Myrtle told her to shut up. Kukai eventually put out the fire, but failed to save the roses that represented his love for the pop star, forgetting that even fake flowers were flammable.

In the distance, you could hear Smokey the Bear mutter a quiet, "I told you so" right before prancing into the woods to spread the word about how fire is a bad thing, even though it's magical and does wonderful things like heat up your frozen fish sticks and cure frostbite (Sort of).

**THE-**

The readers quickly exited out of the story, not even bothering to finish reading the last two words of the story. "This was such a huge waste of time," they all muttered, then went to surf the internet for any videos that involved a blue-haired Asian kid singing show tunes.

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><p><strong>AN: ***Ikuto's monologue about how the cigarette shouldn't be lit was quoted from En ar Ciel word for word. I'm a liar and told her that I wouldn't give her credit for it but now I am giving her credit for it b/c that's just how I roll.

…Um, yeah so… thanks for reading?


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